9/29/23 - misc. jumbled straggler thoughts in need of escape
one day i randomly came up with a concept for a story in my head. i feel like i want to make it into a comic or something but. i have a notorious history with how well my comic ventures go. anyways, here it is:
theres this women in her mid twenties who has just recently witnessed her sister murder someone in front of her. her sister always tied her hair in a weird way. she was always that type of person whos all pretenious and arty and spiritual and she dressed all weird and looked all unconventional compared to the teacher. teacher girl is traumatized and takes a few months off of work.
after teacher girl comes back, things seemingly resume as normal. then suddenly a student in her class comes in with the same hairstyle. it has been so long since shes even thought of the event it shakes her. but she tries to shake it off. then, slowly, more and more people in the school all start to look like her sister. everyone dresses like her, has the same hairstyle and style, makeup, ideology, voice, everything looks like her sister. she thinks she died in her sleep and woke up in hell, and this is her prison. she goes insane, feels herself turning into her sister, and thinks the evils consumed her too now.
but nothing is wrong, no one started dressing like her sister in the first place. its all in her head, and as shes beginining to talk all crazy and dress like her sister, everyone of her students thinks shes the one going mad. the teachers delusions are actually not that bad and most of her hallucinations remain in her head, so no one can really tell that shes unwell. they all just think shes in her weird epoch or some shit.
i think its kinda stupid mayeb it has potential but i am not a good storyteller oops
broo this always happens but everytime in that fall-winter transitional period when its getting colder theres this like 10 day stretch in time when my nose gets all stuffy and i cough like crazy. i hate it. ive been coughing so much. i will be in math, the room will be silent from the state of pure concentration everyones probably in while taking a test, and ill sniff and cough and break the silence and i hate it sm omfg. i hate evrythign someone please sedate me or some shit plsssf,repds[
some GUY bro
back on my bullshit again. id never consider myself someone who was dying to be in a relationship, but i would be lying if i didnt think it would be nice. BUTEUBEBUTBUTBUT but i still hate the idea of thinking about it. i hate thinking about my thoughts on love because i think they are deeply cringe and should be buried away in the deepest parts of my being, so lodged down under the shitbed of other thoughts hoping i will never talk about it ever. but the dam i have built might be the shittest engineered thing ever because i still constantly think about love, how happy i might be, ya ya ya.
i also hate having crushes. its the worst feeling. maybe im just scared but i think its just cringe in my heart.
brings me to the point: back on my bullshit again. hes a year above me so i really have no hopes for this one, i think im going insane. most of my crushes are just wavering distractions, people ive never talked to before, and this ones no exception. it would be so much simpler if he wasnt literally exaclvtkiy the kind fo guy ilike. i feel astronomical, nuclear levels of self-hatred just admiting it but there u goooooooooo u are so welcome internet
im. im too young to think about love at all. i should go to yale get my bands up or some shit and then when im a rich 40 year old lady with 10 maine coon cats one of those fluffy white dogs and a sheep farm i will think about it.
mmm i really wanna fucking bleach my entire head blonde (but like, not the roots duh). my dad said not until im 16 or whatevr blah blah dhke I DONT CARE WHAT IF I DO DO IT HUH (i will be brutally disaplined). everyone ive asked about it said id look ugly asf but. maybe i will--actually i definitely will. please.
i came up with this idea that i wanted to look drastically different every year and what would be more drastic than going from black to blonde right??????
my mom said id look best with dark brown. an alternative i would settle on is light brown. i just wanna look different dude. i just want a change in my life. plss
9/21/23 - cross country
soooo i could probably write down more thoughts i have but this will be the first ever blog post i write that is soley based on one thing. i just got home from cross country (which i keep calling track). i am tired and exhausted and in desperate need to now take a fucking shower but instead im here, typing this.
i signed up for on a whim for no reason cause i was like "uhhh sure whatever i have jack shit 2 do most of the time anyways. and honestly the process was so confusing for no reason? i had to ask my science teacher (whos also the coodinator of the club) like a bajillion questions because i didnt know where to find all the forms i had to print out and shit. i just nearly missed the cutoff date to join!
i thought running 3 laps around my school wouldnt be that difficult...but i was so wrong. im so tired and sweaty and probably (power)walked more than i ran. but a challege is nice!!! i will better myself next time and slowly shave minutes of my time till im in the high 10's. yahhhh. (my time this time was 21 minutes 50 seconds for ~2 miles)
me and this other person that i associate with i guess ran/walked with each other for the majority of it (sometimes when one had less energy than the other they'd pass, but ultimately wed cross paths again). its nice doing something so long-winded and entensive like cross country with another person you can run with--like moral support; just running side by side motivation to keep going.
final thing ill leave this off on is that i joined so late that next meetup were already gonna have a competition with this other school...oops. pray for me i guess.
also i drank all my water so i just had to deal with that blistering feeling in my throat the entire 3 laps hshdfdsjwqjksjdsk :((
8/20/23 - firefox shoes & feelings of hallowness
so i recently switched from chrome to firefox for obvious reasons. its been three days since this change and id say things are better!! i like the layout much more than chrome, its much more flexible, and probably not eating up my information alive like chrome does. i only have a few problems right now, but theyre both pretty obsolete. one is that custom scrollbars stopped working for me lmao, made me confused and sad when that windows 95 style scrollbar everyone uses suddenly didnt appear on my art page when i was checking everything translated correctly. also, i think the colors are yellow tinted??? no, definitely. maybe its just a my computer thing but everythings a lot more yellow. i dont know what to do about this lmao. another, and i dont even know if its possible cause 1. does firefox have that thing chrome has where you can make seperate "accounts"?? and 2. my school uses chrome and not firefox.... but i cant make a seperate account for my school account (id much prefer i keep my personal stuff and school stuff seperate). unfortunate, since my school computer is broken (think i talked about this in a previous blog?), but ive found workarounds. all the summer work i have to do is on google docs but i havent deleted chrome entirely just in case i need it again for only this purpose. stupid lmfao.
sometime during websurfing or coding or whatever i was doing prior, i remembered about this thing i saw on cinni's site for custom neocities themes, but it was applied with a firefox-specific extension. it caught my eye, but i was still using chrome and was content with it.
soooo i got the extension. i applied the pink theme, and was all giggly and shit over neocities, but pink and pretty, but i noticed that the folder icon used was too small (i dont use list view, i use icon view) so i kinda edited it so that it would fill the entire space. but the need to make my own theme kept tugging at me......so i did!!! spent the entirety of yesterday fucking doing that. it sucked and took so fucking long oh my god. but its ok. im proud. was good css practice.
its a cute little sunflower theme, inspired by my newly updated art page (notice the ruffle in the comments, same cloud and sunflower graphics, etc etc). i dont even know why--im not a big sunflower fan! maybe ive turned around, but i think its just that the yellow and the blue just look so nice next to each other.
this process took the life outta me. i used cinni's pink theme as a base, but there were some things i wanted to change that werent already addressed in the code so i had to dive in to inspect a shit ton. its still a work in progress, not sure how i like the ruffle comments (takes up a lot of space, making reply chains really long!) but its cute at the same time. it gives this nostalgic and warm feeling to this site, which i like. maybe in the future ill make a simpler one if ever get tired of this one. one thing firmly on my to-reskin list though is a dark google docs theme, so i can work through the night in bliss.
except it devovled into opinions on fast fashion too
this is just a section to talk about new shoes. new shoes. awesome. i went to tj max today and bought these mary jane-style things for like $29.99. they are cool. i like them.
we originally went in to look for converse, but we didn't find any, instead finding the mary janes. but then we went to this dsw accross and found them. $60 though!!! so now were buying them online. on...aliexpress. its like the chinese parent amazon, and i just feel weird buying from them. its all just dropshippers or cheap clothes made in sweatshops, but its one of those things your parents just dont get. its not my money im spending, so i guess i cant complain and wouldnt understand why we couldnt buy them in-store for $60, but how am i supposed to tell my parents that and not sound ungratful, i guess is what im saying???
its not like my parents rake in cash that much either. my dads retired, running a really weird at-home bike shop and my mom works at a hospital as a lab manager. we still live in a townhouse and our house is cluttered from my dads hoarding problem (that i inherited, thats my excuse) and the bathtubs so old the silicone glue is all moldy and dirty and the tap has been leaking for how long now--its almost filled up the bucket we use to put dirty socks since i caught it (2 days ago).
all to say i know its probably more affordable, but i dont know how to think about the ethics of buying from places like this, or others like shein and temu. i havent bought from those to ever, but the reason why people buy from them is apparent. ignoring the rich fucks who buy from there just to do a haul, its unreasonably and enticingly cheap prices allow people who dont have the money to blow on pricy "fashionable" or "in style" clothing to buy it for cheaper. but is that really a good justification for these overworked workers in shanghai to continue pumping out rhinestone skeleton hoodies?
i remember one time i made a drawing about sweatshops workers, explotation in the fashion industry, and fast fashion, basically for some art competition and won second place. it sounds stupid, but its been weighing on my mind for some time. my parents have bought things from alibaba/aliexpress for me. does that mean im a hypocrite? i wear stuff purchased from there, yet i know how the workers are treated to make these clothes. am i a bad person for this? im not sure, but the conclusion ive always come to has always made me uneasy.
school in a week, will it solve me
recently ive been on the brink of dropping back into one of my dissociative episodes again. im not sure whats the name for it, but i randomly slip into this state of mind where everything doesnt feel real, or that im not real, and everythings so detached and distant from me. this often happens when i pull an all nighter, or live the same for an extended period of time. now, i didnt feel too bad today, probably because we went shopping and on a different day than usual no less (sunday instead of saturday) and ive done things differently than the past few days but i think its cause ive been living life the same through summer break:
- open my eyes.
- check my phone as soon as i gain semi-consciousness because i fucking suck
- go to the bathroom.
- eat breakfast (even when i dont want to to appease my dad, who gets angry when i dont even when i literally dont need it)
- go back up and code or draw till my mom comes back
- eat dinner
- do my last "productive" task for the day (code or draw)
- scroll through my phone till i got to sleep at 12-2 then repeat.
its unhealthy as fuck, probably. and most importantly, makes me enter that feeling of disscociation easily. ive kept it together well for most of break, but ive dipped in and out of this feeling a lot. i hate feeling like it. everything feels unreal. time seems to pass slower. i just dont like it.
which is why i kind of want school to begin again. itll finally break me out of this feeling again. it may cause it too, since its repetative, and my goal this year is to focus on academics cause 99% of the people i know at school dont fucking get me at all and just arent worth trying to build bonds with, which may lead to burnout and dissociation again, but ill deal with whatever happens later.
so funny cause in the beginning i thought break moved so slowly, each day the same, just like i kinda feel now, but at the same time, i now feel like i shouldve done more, wish this was longer.
idk how to webmistress help
i literally dont know what pages i should do next. something thats crossed my mind is to either delete the shrine page entirely or rename it to a "things i like" page instead cause i have some things id like to talk about that arent exactly "shrine-able", but i dont know. theres something, more specifically someone, id like to make a shrine for, but its fucking embarrasing. is this codeblock? webmistressblock? im tired. im tired of typing. this is the end. goodbye.
8/(2-3)/23 - literally just pinterest and drain gang
this is very rushed ^_^'' hope u enjoy my midnight ramblings tho
mainstream social media
id love to distance myself from mainstream social media. i still use instagram, my twitter account is there but ive literally never used it for anything besides scrolling through bladees twitter trying to find this one funny tweet he posted once. i still have tiktok downloaded, and it was the first place i started really posting my art on, but overtime i migrated to instagram as the only real "mainstream" social media i use and am only keeping tiktok in case it gets deleted or some shit lol. it would be better for me if i just deleted it. but its my only way of communicating with some people and no matter how hard i try, the need for online praise through the number of likes i get on each post or follower count will always be the chains shackling me from living in bliss. also like if i get big on the stupid gradient camera app i can take commissions get money and defeat the patriarchy (not really) so like
ill talk about image-sharing sites now, such as pinterest and weheartit and whatever else. its a double edged sword, where one end is probably much sharper than the other, but the other end, embarrasing to admit, is simply too useful of an asset. all the fucks reposting art, screenshots and images that arent their own without credit or permission. as someone whos an artist i guess, i do look for and see many pinterest pins of stunning art from people, but its often unaccompanied without credit and, well, this is more of a personal grief, the comments are all either asking for the "brush" they used without even knowing the software used for the artwork or asking for the "type of artstyle" it is.
first of all, i fucking hate that we as a society are conditioned to label everything. why does everything need a name? this is why we have a semi-pointless aesthetics wiki where half the aesthetics overlap. its human nature to want to classify everything, dub it a name, almost like were taming it and doing the very human thing of making it become something extremely familiar to ourselves, if you catch my drift.
and its just the lack of credit that urks me the most. its probably either non-artists or artists who dont get why credit or just not reposting would hurt an artist, and its the culture of social media posting quickly and quickly and liking the pretty things and scrolling past them the next second that conditions them to do this, so can we really blame them?—but still, an artists time and years of honing their skills, only to just be reposted without credit or permission on pinterest or any other image sharing site, is just so fucking emblimatic of what social media has become. of course, theres artists that dont care if their art is reposted. but theres a large portion of people who do care.
ive had people repost my art a few times. i remember seeing like 3 pins of this same account resposting some old ass art i made in 2021-2022. they gave credit, sure, but they didnt even bother asking. i dont want my art to live on pinterest. for some time, i posted my art on pinterest to try and “combat” this and for my art to be posted “from the source”. but i dont post art at all anymore, just shitty nature pictures. i remember my art being used as a profile picture once. they gave credit again, but again, didnt ask. id much prefer they asked. its not even that i wouldnt let them post if they asked, its more just a way of showing that you give a fuck. both of these times i never even bothered to tell them to stop and ask if they could change it. that was my fault. im just naturally not the type to start confrontations.
is it fair to say it was disheartening that time i saw my art reposted for the third time/used as a profile picture that it was my old art? its stupid. i used to play into the more “aesthetic” (killing myself) “emo” “cutecore” “moeart” art tropes…..the shit you see when you look up draincore on pinterest LMAO (draincore means nothing whywhwwhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhhwhwhywhy drain gang’s world is so pretty and unique why did fucks have to take the world they built and pinterest keywordify it into this goofy ass b/w sparkle blurry filter anime shit…funny enough those are the exact filters i used to use on my old art…heres a footnote that doesnt link 2 anything1 just scroll down for opinions on draincore/i talk my shit) and that appeals more to the pinterest lurkers, i guess.
theres plently more i can talk about on this, but ill leave it here. maybe ill update this one day, or write up another post on this same topic later. in too tired to continue, its too late to be up talking about pointless garbage. i probably started a lot of sentences, this is written at 12 so i dont know if i worded something poorly or even if i agree 100% with what im saying right now! nevertheless, hope you enjoyed? i guess? my perspective as a partially personal site, partially mainstream social media using guy & my takes on the matter.
note: i fucking frogot i was gonna talk about how its good for finding references for artists and poses and clothing etc etc but im too lazy sure you can predict what ill think about it loloollolol ok goodnight
1opinions on draincore in pinterest context: drain gang is something im very passionate about. their music and art and the visual style they have created to accompany it is so beautiful and unique and truly their own. ill probably talk about this in a different post because i have too much to say but thats basically the gist of it. beautiful world.
so it annoys me so much that people who dont even know what drain gang is or just heard like amygdala or be nice 2 me or western union come in and say they fw this world. im not trying to gatekeep i think thats stupid too. but fucking posers who dont care for exploring everything drain gang has to offer and just wanna say theyre in a niche community r so damn annoying. i havent listened to every drain gang tape, ill admit that!! but at least i did my due diligence and didnt just listen to their most popular songs and called it a day.
also, the aesthetic is just so far removed from the actual themes and art of drain gang in my opinion. the blurry black and white motif is literally not at all the visual style the use, id link some examples but im writing this on textedit to conserve energy since im on 33% battery while typing and i want to conserve enough to paste this in. its very “bootleg” like, colors clashing, streched out text and graphics that look familiar but find no trace of online, their music videos are often just videos of them…dancing and moving their arms around and shit with their signature bootleg looking graphics flashing across the screen. zooms and other video effects are sometimes added, as well as strong color filters (but its probably just that the room theyre filming in is lit up that way). as far as ive seen, jack shit of their visual style looks any of this black and white blurry “cute & creepy” shit.
this is stupid. i dont know why im writing this. im just passionate about drain gang and gtbsbe as a whole and theyve legitimately probably changed my life, only sort of an exaggeration. its just, again, the result of social media culture and the wrong people catching wiff of a niche world thats resulted in whatever this is, probably.
bro ive written more about this and put more passion into it than the actual post i should sleep
7/(24-25)/23 - my diary, vvblue review, more rambling
note: wrote this yesterday (7/24) but i was forced to go 2 sleep lmfao so now im posting it today, also much better layout wowwww
warning: discussion of period/women problems, basically (only in this section though)
wooow ok to be honest i dont track my cycle. i definetly should, but fuck 1. im too lazy 2. none of the apps or whatever do it for me. i also feel so weird having just a "period is 4 days away" widget on my phone. i also frequently forget that its there. i know most of those apps probably have a reminder thats like "ohhhhfhf your cycles coming up watch your ass" or something, but i find these really annoying. im like someone who just cant be satisfied. maybe if i find some really weird way that works for me one day ill become better and do the actually right thing and track my cycle down and stuff but for now ill just suffer and anticipate its arrival blindly.
anyways, im on it now, which is why im even bringing this topic up. the entire weak ive been feeling...compressed. as in like, if you were a balloon and two hands were pressing in on your sides, type shit. thats the best way i can describe it. its not even that hard, its not like the hands are like basically touching or something. its like not hard at all but still firm, and you still feel trapped. is this a weird/gross way of explaing this? ive already probably overshared in the last blog entry.
funny cause this was supposed to be something fun. one of the earliest ideas for this was to make "deep dive" posts, where i post about...diving deep into random stuff that interests me, like a "history on type/fonts" or something, where i just do research and spill out all the guts of what i learned into a blog post. but whatever. let me talk about my period and how im probably insane and have serious problems on how i think i am percieved before we get into anything not extremely personal. i wonder if anyone actually read the last post and/or will read this one. i think the sheer length of this is intimidating. how am i supposed to write a blog though? does the average blogg..er write like, funny, silly, quippy, short blogs? they probably dont talk about the weird shit i do, and thats not even a flex. wish i could bottle up these emotions and feelings and let them out somewhere else. ive tried journalling, but not only does writing down allllll my stream of conciousness thoughts make my wrists fucking perish, everytime i even read a sentence too much of an old entry i die of cringe as im reminded of all the shit i did back then
old diary entries
sooo i figured i could make this into its own section since ive honestly got a lot to say about this, it just hit me when i began writing about it in the previous section.
i used to have the most embarrsing, fattest crush on this guy. lets not fucking talk about it. i was dumn (this was just a year ago)(im still probably that stupid)(its bad) im a grownass man now who doesnt feel love anymore. we used to be friends but after he found out about my thing some more shit happendd blah blah blah i both dont want to talk about it and do at the same time. i dont because its cringe and it makes me die how i fell so hard for an annoying prick in all honesty, but i do because i have so much to get off my chest. i did write extensively about this, more so the saga when he found out about it cause i was already kinda mentally shaken up, so that just glued me to the pages of my blue-cover diary more. i fucking spazed out a bunch of angsty entries i wanna erase from my memory. i started writing in my diary to "cronical all of my school life life" so i could "look back and have a hardy chuckle" or something but now im just a inch a way form burning the thing. ive toyed with starting a new journal where every entry i write i tear it up and throw it away after, but a part of me still wants the entries to be preserved. how can a piece of my conciousnessness in the moment, laid out be erased forever yet preserved at the same time???? again, im really just a guy who wants everything.
maybe ill elaborate on the guy story another day just so i can get eveyrthing off my conciousness. maybe these blogs are a mess, maybe they arent, i dont know!! im just writing them and id rather kill myself then read them. ive actually copped a few like glances at sentences at the previous entry and fuck, dont give me a computer past 9. im not myself past then. (its literally 11:08 as i write this).
sebii - vvblue
listened to sebii's album, vvblue album today for the first time, and now the second time while im writing this so i can have my real opinions. the audio in the background is a bit distracting but whatever, its for science.
anyways, great album. sebii is such a unique artist with an amazing sound ive never heard like ever. its like heavily electronic, synthy, bass, "sparkly sounds" (whatever instrument that is) etc. etc. mixed with his unique flow that almost sounds like hes...a snake sssssssing????? or vocal fry??? what even is vocal fry, im a idiot. and all his songs are fun, bouncy, and generally a good time.
but the first song of this album is more than just his usual fun & silly lyricsm and beat. its mostly just him talking about how the character he plays in his songs, flexing, living "the life", etc. is all a front and hes got insecurities/struggles as well. its not the most revolutionary idea for a song, but its really nice to see him pour a bit of his real self into his music. not that im saying his other stuff is forced or whatever, just his human doubts and feelings in a song for an artist as usually light as him is always nice, since self-expression, for me, is always as important in music making/any other avenue in art making as making, in musics case, good shit.
im describing this pretty shittily. most of what i say could probably be rephrased into something much more understandable but im not that smart lollllll..!!!
the song immediately following, breakOUT, is so catchy and such a fun time as well. the chorus kinda reminds me of this other song called cotton candy hearts by steph ft. aldn & d0llywood1 kinda?? its the same like, streched-out singing of the song title lmao. his production and voice makes all his songs so fun to listen to. i keep describing everything he does "fun" "silly" "unique" etc. etc. but thats literally all i can put into words his music. its probably not for everyone, some might find his voice and occasionally "gross/crude" not entertaining and just weird/annoying (like i previously did, lowkey, but ive listened enough to understand and love his style) and anyone who doesnt like energetic electronic experimental shit will probably not like his stuff either. but i find that everything he does is so true to him, and so special. again, not to say hes like genre-defining one of the best of all time, but hes created something cool and amazing. everything he does seemingly has some ounce of him injected into him. theres this picture of what i think is him making the cover for his other album, VVYELLOW.
i also think he held a giveaway from some shampoo with the same design/label as the cover of this album, which is so fun tbh.
maybe ill make a album review for this, as well as VVYELLOW & VVRED one day, in a much more consise, not-so-rambly manner. (interjection: song "do u care, if i stare? just ended and omg its so fun and the ending noises whatever they are are so silly and scratches an itch in my brain. so awesome) speaking of, i haAAAVVEE to 1. rewrite the dogshit icedancer review bc i have so much more to say and 2. make an album review of both jane remover's album fraility & gensis by grimes. all shit i need to do like, right now, chop chop what the fuck am i doing bro. anyways listen to VVBLUE by sebii if ur bored/need new music suggestions, fun time and you might find something you really like in his catalog! (shout out to the ciabatta music video, such a fun time toooOOO)
so as i was doing my stupid summer homework my school computer broke again. its done this before, where it just does not connect to the internet. just mildly inconvinent that its the fucking summer, my school is deadass 10 miles away, and i have summer homework to do! i can do it on this computer of course....but what if i just dont...and use that as an excuse....maybe? jk im too much of a nerd to pull that kind of shit, and its not like the worst thing ever, the part that annoys me the most is having to read a book on the topic we choose to do for our summer homework. also cause im part of a special all-illusive smart guy program and my classes are quirky or some shit all of the project tie into each other, blah blah blah ive given up. i have nothing further to say. good night.
7/21/23 ☆ a writing as the name implies (but it turns into just talking about (my feelings on) my online presense)
note after finshing page: may or may not be lying about everything in here no truth was ever told in this im not like this i promise
welcome to the first page of my blog!! ive been thinking about making one for a while. what site is complete without a blog? ive also had a bearblog for a while, and while ill post on it every once in a blue moon, ive always thought it would be handy to have a page where i can just write whatever anytime, rambling my heart out, going into as much detail as i want instead of just making a new page on this site for it. so i decided to finally sit down and make one
this was built using sadgrl's layout builder beacuse i started this at 10 and i am a painfully slow coder and i want to go to sleep by at least 12-cmon. ill probably redo the layout to be more me later.
this blog will also be very rambly & most likely very long. while thinking about making this idea, lots of thoughts on what to write this about. so i just decided to group it alllll into one. if youre bored, here is my offering.
part one: layouting
im currently going though a weird phase in website-layouting. i keep falling out of and in again with my homepage layout. i mean, its very messy, i love a lot about it, and it took me years to code. but everytime i see a new website i wish i had done what they done. explored the aesthetics they did. i guess im just easily jealous, and ive always dealt with self doubt. but this is a blog post and not a confession to a shrink so lets not delve into that for now. point is, i keep playing around with the idea of overhauling my homepage again. so many new things ive learned that id like to incorporate into this website now, so many new ideas and themes id like to explore! but im still unsure. for now, ill just keep fucking around in the codepen editor.
part two: updating
im so embarrased for no reason that my site has 5,000+ updates. it took me an embarrasing amount of time to find out about codepen (thank you to that person who replied to my comment putting a bounty out for a good code editor, im too lazy to find your username right now but you have a permanent place in my heart) for some reason i feel like theres someone out there, just stumbling upon my site and laughing their ass off about the fucking collasal amounts of updates ive made. this is the embodyment of everything wrong with me and my perception of my perception. the logical part of me says: who cares bro lolll even if anyone finds it funny, its just a number that literally means nothing ands only purpose is to count the updates youve made to your site. youre embarrased of that? but then every other part of me says: WHAT IF THERES SOMEONE LAUGHING THEIR ASS OFF ABOUT THIS. I WOULD FEEL LIKE SHIT. but whatever. maybe i can come to terms with my rediculously large update count one day. embrace it even. you know how some webpages have like trophies? i should make myself one congradulating myself for my bigass number.
part three: commenting
ive always been a lurker as apposed to an interactor. my favorite youtube channel just posted a video of their favorite drinks bracket (shoutout if you know exactly which channel im talking about from just this, lets make out) and it made me feel nothing but pain and agony. everyone else is commenting witty stuff that makes me laugh and feel so happy to be in their community. it almost makes me feel like i should comment too. but i dont. same thing with the absurd update count thing. i fear that someone will see my comment among these other hilarious comments and go "what the fuck thats so unfunny lolloloolooo". i also perpetuate this myself because i know that ill be embarrased about that comment literally the moment after i post it if i post it. so i dont. and i know that doesnt sound like such a big deal, but it kinda just urks me inside. i wish i wasnt like this. i wish that i could just comment and pull some hilarious shit out of my ass, make throwaway comments and interact like everyone else does, socialize online LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. but something inside of me, fearing the worst reaction, in a online world filled with people who slam and dogpile people for posting cringe or whatever, i just dont hahah,
this also applies in a neocities-site sense to things like signing other guestbooks, appling for webrings, and just leaving comments on peoples sites. for no reason at all, i feel like when the person reads my message theyll judge me. i hate seeing my username pop up when i do sign a guestbook first, or when my site update is the first thing i see when i open up neocities. just a reminder that a past version of me did that. now, in the future, i turn into my biggest fear while writing; the judgy viewer. i read my own comments on stuff and cringe, feel like im the unfunniest person ever, and i should just return back into my lurker shell and never interact again. even though a part of me knows full well that people on neocities are like, the friendliest people ever and why would anyone recoil in disgust from a positive message about how their sites cute and their layouts pretty or whatever. am i stupid for this? probably. i build paradoxes im aware of yet stay trapped in, and its no ones fault but mine.
also have this neat hobby of just straight up treating social interactions like a dating sim, but like, the concept of it and not dating. everytime i do decide to comment i like absorb the energy from other comments or the vibe the creator im interacting with and try to emulate it into my comment. like im parodying the environment around me. i feel like social interaction, even in the chillest situations, is a strategy game where you have to craft a comment that appeases everyone. the comments under this artist's posts are all in the "kinda weird-ironic and a bit vulgar" category, so ill comment some shit like "this art is so beautiful i want to passionately make out with it in the thrid stall at a mcdonalds bathroom with the door OPEN" to blend in!!!! then on this next thing, where this creator is very wholesome presenting using proper punciation and capitalizaiton, ill comment something like you would an email to your friendly coworker or something.
i hope i dont sound like 1. a NEET chronically online fuck 2. a psychopath/sociopath/i dont knwo uhhh insane rn. i dont really have any compelling evidence to dispel both of those but my personal promise that im not either!!!! also a lot of these things i do do in real-life interactions as well, just discussing my online interactions because all that stuff is something to unpack laterrrr and maybe not in an angsty blog entry preferrably with a professional
part three.5: viewing replies..ing
ok, this will be the last of my weird-mental problem dumping. similar to how i just refuse to comment on essentially every occasion in every context, i get nervous when i reply or update my site in a major way or post something thts like, my "creative side" (i.e. the "art" page and the debut of my comic thing) i fear how people will react. again, i know everyone on here is nice, and that someone who has shit to say probably wouldnt post it, but i still just refuse to accept that and keep just never scrolling down too far on my new update to see if at the very least, anyone even commented. i hope this doesnt come off as narcissitic, where im so concerned with how people percieve me that i shield myself from any chance of being dug at. i remember this one time when i relayed another issue i have with my mental health to a friend that im barely in contact any more because we no longer go to the same school, and he said that i was really nacisitic or something along those lines, and that my ego was so fragile that blah blah blah affected me. that hurt, for sure, but i brushed it off. now im really kinda contemplating if i do have ego problems. so funny how that works
that went off the rails. and im not even sure what im trying to say anymore. so ill just leave it off on something i know i want to get of my chest; explain the best way possible how this works in my head: its like a mental block in my head that prevents me from doing what i want to do. that mental block, full of fear of being laughed at and someone thinking im cringe, preventing me from just saying "fuck it" and doing what i want and expressing myself online like anyone else should. i only interact in any meaningful way online when i feel like its safe to and that i dont think anyone will bat an eye. but thats on very few occasions.
forgetting what else i want 2 say; end
its probably good im ending it now. its 11:21 pm as i write this sentence and, one again, i want to finish and post this by 12:00, thake a shower, do all the shit you do before you sleep then sleep and/or read the worst fics i read in my life to sleep. plus, my hands are sore and numb and im not even sure i can feel them anymore from typing this all out. to be honest! but its whatever. i remember when i visited my moms work place the person who was like her table-mate?? (they worked in the same cubicle together) had this goofy curved keyboard and in the trash can somehwere else in the lab there was its cardboard packaging, showing the whole led light-up rgb rainbow keyboard in all its curvy glory. it was like a hilly plane almost. when i made a comment to my mom on how rediculious it looked she told me it was so the persons wrists or something werent so strained from typing. maybe i should invest in a desktop and get that so i dont feel like shit when i type stupid long paragraphs that say nothing like this anymore. but that would mean migrating from a bed to a desk to do all my silly web-stuff, and id prefer to just slouch around in my embarrasing but comfortable position to websurf, thank you.